i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
