I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize