just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is my gift to your gina
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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