it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
