I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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