Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He did a backflip because drugs
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