She is in my trunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
