You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
