Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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