I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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