the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
