this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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