If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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