I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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