guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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