Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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