If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
