So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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