I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
