So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I CAN MOONWALK!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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