I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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