Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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