There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
