I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize