I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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