he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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