Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
