after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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