I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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