Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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