At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
