i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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