i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Everything about him screamed your future.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
