I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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