Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
