apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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