I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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