the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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