I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
