Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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