just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
