I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
