they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
