my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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