so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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