Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
