I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
