Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His hands were made for my vagina.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
