i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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