After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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