you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
