I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize