Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
