i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
