he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
