WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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