The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
