life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
