Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
