Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
