ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
