I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
